Today I read an article about blogging that said you can’t blog if you cannot write about the things that are in your head. I think that might be true. I am finding it hard to write at the moment and there are not many jokes around.
There is so much life inside my head.
The last month I feel I have been SO busy, but in actual fact, I haven’t physically done much. I have spent most of my time quietly reflecting on all the things that have happened to me in the past year and where I would like to take it from here. It is like a time-out, where I crawl into my soul and check if all the corners are healthy or if something needs mending. It takes a while and can be quite frustrating, but I know that it is necessary. Once all is in place I become a do’er again and walk strong.
There are some fundamental things about life and humans that I can only understand with my logic and not my heart. I return to these again and again and find they are the key to who I am and what I do. This is the top three:
1. Value. By western standards Mr Husband and I are poor. By my own standards I am wealthy beyond belief. I have love, freedom, choices – not to mention food every day, a roof over my head and a very high level of education. But I get frustrated by money. Really frustrated. And I wish I was financially rich. I feel ashamed about wishing for the $20 mill win because I know how wealthy I am and I know it would only change my life in a very marginal way. So every now and then I have to get my head around what ‘value’ means.
2. Racism. I have studied the mechanisms of racism for many years and understand (with my logic mind) what happens from a sociological and psychological perspective. But in my heart I do not get it. I simply don’t. I do not understand how people can judge others as less worth, simply because of the colour of their skin. Theoretically I know what is going on, but emotionally, I cannot find that feeling. It is completely alien to me. And it pains me. I am regularly upset on behalf of the world that this is how we treat each other. That is why I work with justice innovations, searching for ways where we can treat each other in a more equal way. BUT. Thinking it is my job to fix this is an impossible burden to carry so, every now and then, I have to remind myself that I will get nowhere if I think it is mine. It is not my responsibility that people keep hating each other. I can only be responsible for what I do.
3. Religion. I was not given a religion when I was born, just a name. I am grateful for this though sometimes I wish I had more direction. Religion occupies a significant part of human life on this planet and while I understand faith and understand the history of religious development, in my heart, I don’t understand why it is something we judge each other by or fight over. The formalisation of love and compassion makes no sense to me and in essence I think religion defeats its own purpose, simply by existing. It is one of the most discriminatory elements of our life. Apparently Buddha said: “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense”. It is through my inner reflections and common sense that I have found I am incapable of signing up to any religion, no matter how attractive they may seem at times.
So there you go: the top three things in my head. What I need to do next is get my focus back. Over time I have learned that it is necessary for me to disappear into this head-space from time to time. I eventually come out active and productive. I hope it is soon.