Angry Bird is just scared

I just read my posts from this week. I wonder who commissioned Angry Bird? Probably me.

As you know, I’m heading North very soon. Tuesday next week actually. It’s made me a little jumpy as there are SO MANY THINGS to get organised, when you go away for 3 months. The stress is enormous. This is my big project, my PhD, the thing I’ve talked passionately about for 7 years. The time is now. I’m doing it.

Somehow I have convinced other people that this is a good idea. Somehow I managed to get funding for it. It is costing an arm and a leg, which (in my world) means I have to get it right. I’m not getting a second chance to do this fieldwork. I HAVE to get it right. I broke out in a sweat just writing that.

I have been in a constant state of panic for the past month. I can’t say I’ve slept very well. Last Sunday I spent three hours crying into Mr Husbands chest, because it all just became too much. Oh the patience that man has. EVERYTHING sets off a new spiral of anxiety. The current list of topics for sleepless nights looks something like this:

  1. The thesis. What if it is based on wrong assumptions and everyone laughs at me. Or reject me as being stupid and naive. Oh the shame.
  2. The project. Nobody wants to be interviewed. The project is dead. I keep thinking this will happen, despite only having met excitement from the people I have talked to. Except for the politicians. They don’t answer my emails. I don’t know why I’m worried about that, because I don’t really need their opinions for anything…
  3. My abilities. I say something stupid, which gets me in trouble. This is a real option.
  4. Mr husband. I’m leaving Mr Husband behind, we will be apart for three months. That in itself I’m not so worried about. What I’m worried about is what I will do without him if something goes wrong. For years I’ve only had him, he is my sounding board for everything. When I venture into the world he always says “no matter if it goes well or you fail, I will kiss you.” What if I need those kisses?
  5. Denmark. Returning to my country. How much have I changed? I really don’t know. I know that I have changed, but not if it makes a difference. What if I don’t fit in? What if I arrive in Denmark and find I no longer belong there? What if I have disappeared?
  6. Facing the hurt. When you ask people to love you and then leave them for as long as I have, they get angry with you. Even if it is not their intention. It is my responsibility to carry that. I inflicted that pain and I feel guilty about it.

So Angry Bird is really not so angry. Angry Bird is just a bit scared.

The wicked thing is, that despite the anxiety, this is something I really want to do. And I AM excited! I really am. As much as I am worried, I’m also really happy to be going. It is AWESOME! I’m going to see my family! My friends! I’m going to Greenland! I will be meeting people I have wanted to talk with for years, asking the questions I have wanted to ask for years.

And guess what? I have this guy waiting for me on arrival. I look at this picture and know I will be fine. If nothing else, I can throw my arms around his neck as I obviously have since I was a wee little one. It’s all going to be just fine.

Me and my older brother

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4 thoughts on “Angry Bird is just scared

  1. You will be fine. The project will go fine. Enjoy your time away (N is just on the other end of the phone or computer if you need him!)
    It can’t fail. Nothing fails as long as you learn from an experience.
    Grab it with both hands and have a blast xxx

    • I hope so. I think so. And you are right: grab it with both hands and roll with it.
      It is probably last minute jitters with a dash of over-excitement. It will be good!
      Thanks for the vote of confidence 😉

  2. Pingback: Ms Wimpy |

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