I just read my posts from this week. I wonder who commissioned Angry Bird? Probably me.
As you know, I’m heading North very soon. Tuesday next week actually. It’s made me a little jumpy as there are SO MANY THINGS to get organised, when you go away for 3 months. The stress is enormous. This is my big project, my PhD, the thing I’ve talked passionately about for 7 years. The time is now. I’m doing it.
Somehow I have convinced other people that this is a good idea. Somehow I managed to get funding for it. It is costing an arm and a leg, which (in my world) means I have to get it right. I’m not getting a second chance to do this fieldwork. I HAVE to get it right. I broke out in a sweat just writing that.
I have been in a constant state of panic for the past month. I can’t say I’ve slept very well. Last Sunday I spent three hours crying into Mr Husbands chest, because it all just became too much. Oh the patience that man has. EVERYTHING sets off a new spiral of anxiety. The current list of topics for sleepless nights looks something like this:
- The thesis. What if it is based on wrong assumptions and everyone laughs at me. Or reject me as being stupid and naive. Oh the shame.
- The project. Nobody wants to be interviewed. The project is dead. I keep thinking this will happen, despite only having met excitement from the people I have talked to. Except for the politicians. They don’t answer my emails. I don’t know why I’m worried about that, because I don’t really need their opinions for anything…
- My abilities. I say something stupid, which gets me in trouble. This is a real option.
- Mr husband. I’m leaving Mr Husband behind, we will be apart for three months. That in itself I’m not so worried about. What I’m worried about is what I will do without him if something goes wrong. For years I’ve only had him, he is my sounding board for everything. When I venture into the world he always says “no matter if it goes well or you fail, I will kiss you.” What if I need those kisses?
- Denmark. Returning to my country. How much have I changed? I really don’t know. I know that I have changed, but not if it makes a difference. What if I don’t fit in? What if I arrive in Denmark and find I no longer belong there? What if I have disappeared?
- Facing the hurt. When you ask people to love you and then leave them for as long as I have, they get angry with you. Even if it is not their intention. It is my responsibility to carry that. I inflicted that pain and I feel guilty about it.
So Angry Bird is really not so angry. Angry Bird is just a bit scared.
The wicked thing is, that despite the anxiety, this is something I really want to do. And I AM excited! I really am. As much as I am worried, I’m also really happy to be going. It is AWESOME! I’m going to see my family! My friends! I’m going to Greenland! I will be meeting people I have wanted to talk with for years, asking the questions I have wanted to ask for years.
And guess what? I have this guy waiting for me on arrival. I look at this picture and know I will be fine. If nothing else, I can throw my arms around his neck as I obviously have since I was a wee little one. It’s all going to be just fine.
Me and my older brother